


Alexithymia

by Kobo



Series: Thanks From Kat [10]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Character Study, F/M, Not A Fix-It, POV Cassian Andor, sorry y'all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-20
Updated: 2017-03-20
Packaged: 2018-10-08 10:17:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10384431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kobo/pseuds/Kobo
Summary: Emotions didn’t have a place within a spy’s mind; Cassian Andor is content with that.And then Jyn Erso punches into his life.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [anothersadsong](https://archiveofourown.org/users/anothersadsong/gifts).



> [Oh-nostalgiaa](http://oh-nostalgiaa.tumblr.com/) sent me the prompt "Alexithymia" (Goodness knows I have a weakness for awesome words like this). I'm apologizing now: this follows the canon events of Rogue One, meaning, unfortunately, you know how it ends. I would apologize, but I absolutely loved this journey through Cassian's head.

_Alexithymia: (n) Inability to describe emotions verbally_

 

* * *

 

 

Emotions didn’t have a place within a spy’s mind; Cassian learned that far too early in life. His parents and his sister were long gone. Comrades died left and right. Continuing to get attached would ruin more than just the mission: it would ruin him. So, he cut himself off.

No romantic entanglements with pretty girls on faraway planets. No good friends waited for him back on base. No thoughts of one day – that imaginary _someday_ where the Empire no longer reigned and Cassian was free to do as he wanted – with a home, a child or two running around, enjoying the carefree moments Cassian never had.

He allows himself pride when a mission goes well. Cassian shoved the despair of a mission failure – or was it mission success? – deep into the recesses of his mind, never to be examined. His partner and closest friend is K-2SO, a droid that, by definition, has no messy human emotions.

Cassian Andor is content with that. (Or, at least, that’s what he tells himself in the dark of night when his caged emotions creep over him.)

And then Jyn Erso punches into his life.

Underneath her tough durasteel exterior, Cassian sees bleeding wounds the Alliance ripped open. Her wit is as sharp as her claws, and she knows how to use both. She’s alive in a way Cassian hasn’t felt in years. For some inexplicable reason, Cassian understands _trust goes both ways_ , and he leaves her with his blaster.

His eyebrows furrow as Jyn runs into a firefight to save an innocent child. He shoots down Saw’s rebel who holds a grenade aimed right at Jyn’s hiding place without considering his reasons. He watches her fight a group of Stormtroopers in the streets of Jedha City singlehandedly and he can’t help but pause, impressed with her skill. (Not, he reminds himself, in awe of how her movements can make murder both elegant and so coldly perfunctory.) He starts as Jyn threatens the partisans, warning them not to kill her or _her friends._ (Has anyone ever referred to Cassian as their friend?)

Cassian finds Bodhi Rook – the pilot – and the location of Galen Erso – his mission – and Cassian should be running. He should call K-2, shove the Imperial defector onto his ship and set course for Eadu without looking back. Instead, he frantically runs through the catacombs, looking for a woman who will only be a hindrance to his mission. His heart aches – a feeling Cassian thought he had long since smothered – at the broken glass smothering the fire in Jyn’s eyes. Back on the ship, with his orders freshly renewed, his conscience screams at her fervent declaration of her father’s innocence.

Cassian tells himself morality and reason dictate his decision to defy his orders, not the sharp defiance of his daughter’s eyes reflected in Galen Erso. He tells himself Jyn is the messenger, the only one to hear his father’s message first hand, and that she needs to explain the message to high command as he pulls her away from her father’s dead body. She lashes out in pain and shock, and Cassian yells back, louder than the roaring emotions emerging from the back of his mind.

As he leaves the council meeting, knowing the Jyn Erso’s request to infiltrate Scarif will never be approved, and heads to the foot soldiers of the Alliance who would be more receptive to the idea, he reminds himself of loyalty, not to the High Command locked in a useless argument, but to the destruction of the Empire. As he hovers just a foot away from Jyn Erso and welcomes her home, what fills Cassian’s chest is not the same feelings that have accompanied his years of _Yessir_ s.

Words – or perhaps just his words – cannot describe the dedication he feels flowing off Jyn as she addresses the rogues upon landing on Scarif, nor his trust as they walk the hallways of the Imperial base. Despair runs through his veins as K-2 bids them _Goodbye_ , the sounds of blasters echoing in the background, but looking into her eyes, Cassian can see the _stardust_ deep in her eyes shine with determination.

He knows – or perhaps he’d known as he gathered Melshi and Pao and the entire Rogue One crew – that he would follow her until the chances are spent.

So, he does. As Krennic and his death troopers fire down on them, he urges Jyn to keep climbing. As a blaster bolt connects with his shoulder, as the smack of his head against the metal platform renders him unconscious, he believes in Jyn’s ability, her desire to finish the mission. As he awakes, he accepts the way his muscles moan with pain, knowing every pull brings him one second closer to Jyn.

Shooting down Krennic, a man representing everything wrong with the Empire and the man who personally tore Jyn’s life to shreds, is natural, but the way his heart constricts as Jyn – battered and bruised but so completely _beautiful_ – hobbles towards him is unlike anything Cassian has ever known.

He can’t fit the electricity between them in the turbolift into any of the logical, reasonable boxes within his mind. Safety, trust, _home_ : this he feels, her arm a steady pressure on his neck.

Was this love? Cassian couldn’t fathom being in love, yet he couldn’t imagine love feeling like anything else.

Whatever emotion this is, Cassian knows as he falls to the beach, the glow of the Death Star’s destruction on the horizon, that he does not have the words to express it. He can only offer small words – _Your father would be proud of you_ – and the comfort of physical touch as their death runs towards them.

Perhaps he would have found the words, someday, if time had permitted. Perhaps he wouldn’t have. But as Jyn’s hand tightens on his collar, he knows this is enough. This is all he needs.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to everyone who followed me on tumblr and who has sent me prompts, but I'm cutting off accepting new prompts! I still have several more to write, so you haven't seen the last of this series, but no more prompts for now!


End file.
